Thinking Truthfully About Others

This week I’ve been thinking and learning a lot of different things about people, but there’s one thought that I want to take hold of in my own mind, and hopefully writing this post is going to help that happen. It’s about the way we think about other people – which is really the root of all of our interactions with them, isn’t it? This week I found myself thinking about someone else and trying to figure out why they would think something that I thought they were thinking (our thoughts are so concrete, aren’t they?). I realized that I was trying to figure out their motives for what I was assuming they were doing or thinking, which could then quite easily lead to me judging them for those motives. Clear as mud, right? Let me give a little example to clarify this muddled mess of words (bunny trail: if all of our thoughts were written down for us to review at the end of each day, I wonder how many of them we would cross off as perfectly ridiculous or illogical, and how many times we would reach for the Sharpie to try and obliterate any vestiges of them lest any other person’s eyes should fall on such {insert adjective here} thoughts).

Here’s my scenario: I work for hours in the kitchen making a delicious homemade pizza. I have a few friends over, and one of them (let’s call him Paul since that’s the name that popped into my mind), takes one bite and doesn’t eat the rest. Paul didn’t eat his pizza, I think to myself. I worked so hard on that and he just took a bite and left the rest. Hmph. He must not like my pizza. Or maybe he’s mad at me for being honest when he asked me what I thought of his tie the other day and now he won’t eat anything I make. He’s been quiet tonight, too. That must be it. He’s mad at me. Well, if he can’t take an honest answer to a question HE asked, then he’d better just grow up and deal with it. I don’t like Paul anymore. Why did I even invite him tonight? Jerk. “Do you see that, Sally?” I say to my friend who is sitting right beside me. “Paul isn’t talking to me and refuses to eat anything I make. Simply because I didn’t like his spaghetti and meatballs tie!”

So, what really is going through Paul’s mind as he sits quietly, minding his own business? “Man, I wish I could eat this pizza, but after just one bite I’ve got killer heartburn.”

Uhoh. I’ve completely blown the situation out of proportion by letting my mind (and then my mouth!) dwell on what is not true. Now am I not only sitting there practically defriending Paul, I’ve got my friend Sally thinking ill of him too – for a completely unfounded reason! You can imagine for yourself where this little (completely fictitious!) scenario could end up – in the death of a friendship, if “my” wrong assumptions and actions based on those assumptions are allowed to continue in their present vein. But hopefully it serves as an example of the path that our thought processes take at times without us even realizing it. It’s a natural tendency for us to try to figure out why someone would do (or not do) or say (or not say) something. But it gets very dangerous when we start drawing conclusions that make sense to us about these things, and then attributing them to that person and circumstance as though it were fact, and then acting on it, like “me” with Sally and poor Paul.

Thus, earlier this week, when I started trying to figure out someone’s motives for thinking something (that I didn’t even know for sure they were thinking!) and then realized that I was thinking about them (and possibly judging them – I don’t remember) as if those things really were true, I decided that it would be very wise to apply Philippians 4:8 to not only what I think about, but who. 

 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Phil. 4:8 ESV

New thought: Up until this moment, I was focused mainly on applying the phrase “whatever is true” to what I think about other people. But I just realized the other elements – honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praiseworthy – are just as important to apply to the thought process. Because sometimes we do know truth. And sometimes we can interpret truth the wrong way. That’s the hard thing about communication – the person sending the message may interpret things differently than the person receiving it. People think differently, people act differently, people respond differently. So people misunderstand each other. It’s a fact of life. Aren’t half of the romance novels in existence based on that very thing? The main characters misinterpret each other’s words and actions, so they hate each other until they get to know each other better and start to understand what the signals they are sending each other mean. Because until you really get to know someone, how do you know that you’re reading their facial expressions, tone of voice, responses, body language, etc. correctly?

Each person is unique and has different quirks, and even though we generally understand certain facial expressions, tones of voice, responses, and body language to convey certain attitudes or emotions, different people still use these avenues of communication differently. Did you know that wiggling your foot (I’m doing it right now), which is generally considered to be a sign of nervousness, anxiety, or stress can also be the result of a calcium deficiency? So much for being stressed out, anxious, or nervous. (I think I need to go take some calcium.) That’s why it’s so important for us to give people the benefit of the doubt – to keep our thoughts toward them as we interpret the truth we gain from interacting with them honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Because people don’t act according to the textbook definitions of communication signals. They’re people. Wonderful, horrible, mysterious, puzzling, loving, hating, kind, hurtful people. And God wants us to get along with each other, so we’d better work hard to make sure that we think the right way about others so that we will act and speak  the right way toward (and about!) them. I doubt that anyone was ever hurt by someone else thinking the best of them.

Thoughts are the root of all speech and actions, and speech is the foundation for every relationship.

Now to try living it out.